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|Monday, May 13th, 2002|
|Sunday, May 12th, 2002|
|Thursday, May 9th, 2002|
|please dont freak
im sick of acting interested. i really couldnt care less about anybody but myself. its so horrible but its soooo true. every once in a while ill get a feeling of caring for someone but it doesnt last long. the only person i truely love is zack. woah on the way to the colony today i came up with this crazy theory. ok, its well established that i dont associate love with sex. i simply cannot understand how the two can be connected in any way. (probably due to the sexual abuse, but that is irrelevant to my point) if we all only have one person out there that we can spend the rest of our lives with and that we love unconditionally... then my person has to be zack. it makes total sense to me but im afraid i might freak people out when i say this. its not sexual in any way, im not a pedophile. i love my brother and want to be with him forever cause i know he loves me too and we would do anything for eachother. is it possible that your true love can just be your brother? i would be so incredibly happy just living with zack and raising him and taking care of him and having fun. i really hope this doesnt sound as insane as i think it does cause it means a lot to me and i want people to understand. its like hes my child/best friend/brother and i love him so muuuuch. maybe this is like the love that a parent has for a child... who knows. not me certainly. i wish i could raise him. i wish that i could get him out of that house before he gets even more messed up because of her and her horrible ways. ugh. he has so much potential and i can see her shoving it all down the drain. nnngah. i didnt sleep last night and right now it looks like i wont get much tonight either... ill go now Current Mood: drained
|tori tori, oh how i love thee
"condiments are my favorite thing, sometimes when i was lonely i 'd line up all the condiments and pound them on the table and let them applaud me adding confidence to my dishes before they get cooked"-tori amos, taken for the under the pink song book
well i just had a meeting with the councilor at the learning center and now im on my way back to tchs to withdrawl. everybody seems to have a lot of faith in me. oi oi oi. tonight is DONNIE DARKO NIGHT AGAIIIIN!!! ooooooomg hes so hot... i might just have to watch it a couple times before jenny gets home..watch it... alooooone... YOINK! Current Mood: busy
|only foooooools rush in
oooooooooookay so i went out tonight and hung out with lesbians and im realizing more and more every second that im totally not into girls right now. i just want a cute guy to hold me and kiss me and watch tv and listen to cute music with like ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space. but sara made me cookies so thats always good. shes really sweet. so is jenny, jenny rocks! and tish and manie. i seem to be a catch to the ladies at the moment. wouldnt ya know it. i always want what i cant have! yeah dr vasavada was like, "get a job! dont think of it as work think of it as therapy! you dont want to do anything because you have such a strong self defeating streak in you that tells you to stay home and sleep and ruin your life!" geh he was like... i dont know. he was telling the truth but it seemed like he was treating me like a moron. i know my thoughts arent logical, but i still beleive them! i just wanna sleep and smoke pot and eat and swim and .... smoke pot some more. whats so worng with that????... other than the problem of money..pshaw! oh oh oh joellas gonna go to gay prom with meeeeeeeeee! jenny has to do some stupid tech thing so she cant go, im on my 4th date so far, hopefully this one will stay till the actual prom. were gonna go thrift store shopping for some crazy clothes for him. i miss aaron. im not really sure what exactly i miss about him but i miss him. he was being all nice today so im thinking good thoughts finally. oh yeah... DONNIE DARCO IS HOT AND I AM GOING TO MARRY HIM!!!!!
(the fact that he is a movie character is totally and completely irrelevant and i will tolerate no talk about it. SILENCE!) i wish i could speak french to everybody all the time. its so much fun! i wanna learn mooooore. what? me? interested in something? whatthehell.. ew i should go to bed i have to get up early n stuff for a meeting at the learning center. i got in! ill have 15 school days to finish the second half of eng 4 and us hist. think i can do it? CAN I GRADUATE!??!!? can i get my punk ass off the street? Current Mood: mellow
|Tuesday, May 7th, 2002|
|6 degrees of kevin pig meat
sooooooooooooooo last night i went to see tish. i picked her up from work and we went and layed on this hill by a little pond with a fountain thingie, it was so sweet. then there was this really weird noise that was scaring us and it would get really close then go away and come back and go away. it was scaaary. then i ran into a big swarm of ducks yelling QUACK! and yeah that was pretty much it. im feelin kinda blah. i need something to do. mayhaps another movie... Current Mood: bored
|another letter that will never be given
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
ohgod, why do you have to be so cute and hilarious and hot hot hot all the time time time. why cant i get it in my fucking head that YOURE AN ASSHOLE?!?!?! you treat melike shit and i just keep coming back begging for more. "hmmm... maybe he would like me better if i gave in and did whatever he wants me to.." i know it doesnt make sense and i know its not what i really want but.... youre just so hot. even when youre saying the asshole things you say youre hot. in fact, youre even hotter because you know how to do what i like and it was such a beautiful kiss while it lasted and all i want is for you to be the person that you are inside my head. you make me hate my instincts. for 6 years ive wanted you and now that i actually know you youre a peice of shit... BUT SUCH A HOT PEICE OF SHIT. i guess we could be just friends.. but i dont know if i could handle that. wed be talking about weezer and ill space out looking at your hair or your lips or yout giant hands or your awesome clothes or your cool shoes or your blue eyes or any of the amazing things that i can look at. if only you were as beautiful on the insiiiide. why does it hurt so muuuuuuchhh. uuuugh. i just want you to treat me like a human being and not some slut. and its sooo obvious that thats all you think of me, or want from me at least. please just hurt me or something so that i can forget about you and move on, cause if you dont ill just come back and get more angry every time and end up killing you or something
~~~amy Current Mood: grumpy
|Saturday, May 4th, 2002|
|give me peace, love, peace love, give me peace love, and a hard caaaaah.......
kazaam. hehe... last night rocked ass. i love finding people you click with! its hath been a while. i went over to david's/his girlfriends apartment and we hung out and smoked A LOT. i tried hydro, its crazy. i forgot how wonderful doing shit makes me feel. and i made a new buddy.... heheh hes such a sweetheart. we held hands all night and played with the kitties and watched tv. aaaaawwwwww. we'll see how i feel about him after tonight.. my feelings tend to change especially when the first impression takes place while im really fucked up. we'sa gonna go to post prom. lots of free food. im sooo tired. i kinda didnt sleep. sheeit. hehehehehheheeeee im all giggly! im gonna try to sleep or something. yeah. then get up later. n stuff. psh i dont have to get up till he gets off work at like 11. *does mental math* sheeeeeit thats a lot of sleeping time! yar, im off to sail away into the night matey. time be a'waistin! Current Mood: optimistic
|Thursday, May 2nd, 2002|
|Wednesday, May 1st, 2002|
Current Mood: bored
hmmmm im bored. i wanna go out and make some new friends. right now! fun, healthy friends that are good for me. yay! i had the bestest dream ever last night, i was hanging out with incubuuus! and i was like, chatting it up with brandon boyd. it was amazing and.. dreamy hehehe. know what? JOSH CAN SUCK IT. im not anybodys whore, and its obvious that thats all he cared about. i just dont get it.. hes missin out! i think ive finally made THE decision to get better. i think... i feel wonderful but ill have to go back home soon and i hate it there. ew ew ew. my does everybody drink? i have no desire to. good good good good. im doing good good good good good. i think i just might do some work now.. wish me luck all you lovers out there Current Mood: hopeful
|i feel pretty, oh so pretty!
yoooooooo im at the library. i got all my review sheets n stuff... my grandma has finally and unfortunately broken her silence. blah, 3 emails in 1 day, all of them insulting. fuck theeeeem. actually, i need money. damn the man. i should get high before i go over there or something. that makes everything easier. i hate flourescent lights. wasnt there some kind of study on how they cause depression? if not.. there should be cause they suck. everything seems so easy and simple when im at jennys house. then i leave and its like... *crash* life sucks i need to die quickly. i wish i had a whole bunch of food. ice cream and bananas and spaghetti and like... something breaded.. fish! mmmmm yeah and then like, fresh shrimp with lemon juice and some kind of bread on the side. then a salad.. a really nice good salad. mmmmm im starving. not really, but i wanna eat. good fooooood. you just cant steal quality food. whats that all about? geh the desk here hurts my arms. i want spaghetti bad. i made jenny breakfast this morning. mmmmmm food is good. i really want to rant n rave about aaron but i just cant... and that pisses me off even more. i cant be mad at the bastard. ugh. blah. ugh again. im gonna go have fun WITHOUT AARON! as if there was any other way... Current Mood: optimistic
aaah sleep is wonderful. i feel like im getting better. as long as im not at home and or alone, i just dont get too depressed. i think its my medicine too. even when i feel upset i dont cry histerically like i used to. i got a cute new dress and i look really hot in it. aaron dumped me. yesterday me and jenny went resale shopping and i stole this like, rainbow striped shirt that is hiseous but i love it. when i wear it it looks like i work at mcdonalds or something. then we went to some park and met up with her friend, an old friday buddy of mine. hes so cute and young and innocent!!! suzy loves me and i love suzy! and her squished wittle faaaace. jennys gonna go to prom with me, i had a dream about it last night. geh she was wearing a blue dress and she kept hiding and it was pissing me off. then christina had a baby... Current Mood: content
|Tuesday, April 30th, 2002|
Find your emotion! [?]
id say im moreso bitter than angry.... i dont know. homicidal? very. i slept in my car last night and this guy was jogging by and decided to stop and talk and he was really creepy. he kept asking me questions about EVERYTHING. then i was like, moving around and laying down and trying to hint for him to leave and i guess he took it wrong or.. i dont know. but he was like, well.... you want some company? and i said no really rudely and then he was like, you wanna make out or something? and i said NO so he was like, its ok i wont touch you or anything, i was just asking. god it was creepy and it made me feel horrible. did he think i was sleeping in my car because i was a slut? what about me made him think that i would possibly make out with some random sweaty guy thats 8 years older than me? ugh it makes me feel like shit. so after he finally jogged off i laid there and cried. im a bit homeless at the moment and ive decided to become a cleptomaniac. im not wearing a single thing i paid for. i say its all good as long as i dont get caught. if anyone would like to offer food or a place to stay or a place to even go to get out of the heat, my cell is 940-736-1339. please dont call just to nag me or something Current Mood: drained
|Sunday, April 21st, 2002|
|Saturday, April 20th, 2002|
|Wednesday, April 10th, 2002|
|dying on time
uuugh im sooo sick im dying. life sucks.
sometimes i forget how passionately i defend rape victims, including myself. i wish i was beautiful and irish. ive never been diagnosed.. other than by aaron. he tells me im depressed, so i am depressed. he tells me im borderline, ... i dont know anything about borderline personality disorder.. and its not like i have anybody to diagnose me properly. nobody does any tests.. they just treat me for what i tell them i have. im all confused. i wish i could eat. i wish that food would go through my body properly.
Thus, borderline patients show a wide range of impulsive behaviors, particularly those that are self destructive. They are highly unstable emotionally, and develop wide mood swings in response to stressful events. Finally, BPD may be complicated by brief psychotic episodes.
Most often, borderline patients present to psychiatrists with repetitive suicidal attempts. We often see these patients in the emergency room, coming in with an overdose or a slashed wrist following a disappointment or a quarrel.
Interpersonal relationships in BPD are particularly unstable. Typically, borderline patients have serious problems with boundaries. They become quickly involved with people, and quickly disappointed with them. They make great demands on other people, and easily become frightened of being abandoned by them. Their emotional life is a kind of rollercoaster.
1 Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2 A pattern of unstable and intense personal relationships.
3 Identity disturbance
4 Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging
5 Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, threats or self-mutilating behaviour.
6 Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.
7 Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8 Inappropriate, intense anger.
9 Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
blah thats EXACTLY me... could i BE more borderline? bleh how crappy. at least now i know exactly what i am. finally, a disorder that fits me perfectly. borderline sounds scary.... makes me think that the person is gonna frek out and kill me... thats kinda what it is i suppose. and yeah, i could easily do that. dont fuck with a brotha Current Mood: sick
|Friday, April 5th, 2002|
| Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's CraftyWho's Your 80s Movie Icon Alter-Ego? Find out @ She's Crafty
Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty
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hahhahaha what a dumbass Current Mood: crappy